Category: Journal

Five Senses: in the cactus room

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Touch: There’s cool air coming in from the vent above me. I feel it on my skin. It makes me long for spring to finally get here and stay here. We’ve had really dark and gloomy days these past couple weeks, and it makes it so we can’t send the kids outside to play on the playground. It makes our days off harder too because then we’re stuck inside with not much to do. I look forward to feeling the sun on my skin and the cool breeze of the spring air. My favorite kind of weather is a day with lots of warm sunlight, but with a cool steady breeze.

Taste: I’m drinking coffee right now, and it actually tastes pretty good overall. Usually the morning coffee from the coffee maker isn’t very good. But I think it’s very much influenced by what I ate for breakfast and how tired I am. I had some cinnamon toast crunch this morning, which is pretty much the unanimous favorite cereal of the girls, and I think the cinnamon taste left my mouth prepped and ready to go for whatever kind of garbage coffee I might put into my body.

See: Right now I am sitting in the room that has the most light. It has the most life. It is the most welcoming room in our home. In front of three large windows we have a ledge with all sorts of succulents and cacti. I love this room. It brings me peace.

While I say that though I read and saw a video of some horrible atrocities in Syria with people being gassed and killed by their own government. Again. It’s just the worst thing. And I just don’t know how to process it. My brain and heart are too full to know how to even address it. That’s not even to mention trying to figure out how I categorize events like these theologically.

I know that people I respect also struggle to know what to do with events like this too:

Smell: Although I don’t smell anything specific right now, I am reminded that I can take a moment to breathe in a long, slow breath. To stop and reflect. I am sitting in the middle of the United States of America. I’m safe. How greatly has that shaped my perceptions about God, the Bible, and my faith? What would my faith look right now if I were in Syria?

Hear: The house is quiet. Micah is at school. Ezra is in the back with Sarah. I am sitting alone and I am enjoying this time. I hear trucks pass out the window from time to time, but otherwise it is very quiet.

Emotion: Right now I am feeling tender. I am not particularly happy, nor am I particularly sad. I’m sensitive. News stories about Trump, North Korea, Syria, etc. easily sway my mood and my heart right now.

After thinking for a while and looking at resources on suffering and things, I saw this great video about the book of Job.

Five Senses: at the end of the table

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Touch: The air feels cooler than normal in the home. I haven’t had a shower in a couple days. I was too busy yesterday, and by the time I had time last night I just wanted to get into bed. So today I feel kind of gross. I’ll probably take a shower here soon.

Taste: I’ve been up since 5:00 am today because the boys got up and refused to go back to sleep. I didn’t want to put one kid in our room with Sarah while I stayed in. We often will do that to see if we can sneak out a few more minutes of sleep. But Sarah was up late last night, and I didn’t think Micah or Ezra would actually go back to sleep if I put one of them in there with her. Sarah sleeps through practically anything, so that would mean whichever kid I would put in there would start getting into all sorts of things in our bedroom while she slept. So I just tried to convince the kids to go back to sleep, but the refused. So right now I’m tasting my second cup of automatic drip folders coffee. These days I don’t really care how my coffee tastes. Just as long as it isn’t burnt and it has caffeine. I need it a lot more these days.

See: Briefly this morning there was some sunlight that came through the windows. It’s been a pretty dark and gloomy week and a half or so with lots of clouds, rain, cooler temps, and little to no sunlight. I’ve found that multiple days without sunlight makes me feel quite lethargic. I love seeing rays of sunlight poor through the windows and onto the table and on the various plants we have throughout the dining room and our cactus room.

Smell: Ezra was just standing behind me, and clearly he had a dirty diaper. He still isn’t potty trained. And I keep wondering if we’re kind of failing him in that regard. He can go potty when we really prompt him, but then he had a few days where he struggled to go potty and needed help clearing out his system (without going in more detail). Thankfully Sarah took him and changed his diaper for me.

Hear: The TV is on behind me. Ezra was watching it for a little while, and then he left. So there’s just kids television playing behind me filling the home with unnecessary noise. Every once and a while I hear the click of the heater on the coffee maker, reminding me that there’s still more gross coffee should I need a third cup.

Emotion: Frustrated. This morning I lost a lot of sleep. The boys got me flustered and upset. And that’s never a good start to the day. I have a men’s Bible study that I go to once a week on Tuesdays. It’s been cancelled the last couple weeks. Today I was looking forward to going, but one of our girls was getting out of our intervention and assessment home and Sarah needed to attend a meeting for her that lasted the exact time that Bible study occurs. When I miss events like this, I get upset. Another thing that’s frustrated me about today. Hopefully the day will get better.

Shelter

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Last night I went to a homeless shelter with five of my girls. During one of the rounds of serving food (there were four) a boy who looked to be the same age as my own four year old son came in. He had clearly been there before. Most of the staff knew him by name. He waited around until someone got him a high chair. As soon as he sat down, he pulled out a toy car that he had with him and started playing with it while he waited for someone to give him some chicken and some chocolate milk.

The kitchen manager came out and asked the boy, “Where’s your mom tonight? Where’s your sister and brother?”
The little boy shrugged, and just kept playing with his car.

The kitchen manager seemed unsurprised, but still visibly irritated that his mother wasn’t there.

Eventually she came by and had a very small baby and another toddler with her. We served them food, but it definitely hit me deeper than any of the other people we fed that night. I can’t even imagine. Three kids four and younger. Homeless. Relying on a shelter for food. Relying on the charity of others for her and her children to survive.

Seeing God

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I took a step outside this morning to take my son Micah to the bus and took in a nice long breath of the cool November air. Instantly, I felt God’s surrounding peace and presence in my lungs and body. It was the simple nourishment I needed in that moment.

The last few days I’ve been trying to go over the beatitudes every morning in my mind. I do this to remind myself of what the Kingdom of God looks and feels like. For me to be able to recognize the overlap moments I need to be thoroughly familiar with what the Kingdom of God’s tells are in this world.

I have been particularly focused on the beatitude

“Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.”

I have been trying to pay better attention to the conversations, situations, and predicaments I have found myself in recently and trying to see where God might be at work. But I believe for me to truly understand and see God working, my heart has to be filtered of its impurities. They get in the way of letting me see the fuller picture of what may be going on. Of course God’s grace is constantly at work in and through and around me, but when I stop to pay attention after intentionally assessing my heart the veil often gets pulled back a bit and I can see God at work.

There is depth in every moment.

 

 

Ok, so here we go.

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I love writing, but I’m still figuring out this writing thing, so my posts on this site will be very stream of consciousness. I’m trying to write and reflect more, and I’m intentionally not trying to publish posts that make me look better than I am. No editing at this point. I’m probably rarely going to have images to go along with my writing as well. I just don’t have the time for it. I need this to just be me, no filters.

I’m sure that as I get into a better habit of writing, it will get better, (I hope so at least!) but I am writing this first and foremost for myself. It is an attempt to be 100% honest with others and myself. I’m not planing to hide anything that comes to mind as I write.

I am an idealist through and through and always think I can be better and love better. I feel at peace when I have the time to take a deep breath and am able to sit down in front of my laptop and write out my thoughts. In the past I have always been incredibly aware of who might be reading my posts and I edit myself. But not here. This will not be like that.

These posts will be me. No hiding. I’m not expecting to get lots of attention or hits on this site. I’m trying to write more consistently so that I can better understand myself. If you happen to have stumbled upon this site, then welcome to my messy journey. I’m a confusing and inconsistent person. But I’m trying everyday to first believe I am furiously loved by God so that as I go about my days I can live in the freedom of his grace. As I live in gratitude for his encompassing love, I believe I will be better at noticing the moments of what I call the overlap — the moments where the world I was created for crash into the world in which I was born into.

So here we go.