daily life – Page 2 – The Overlap

The Whirlwind of the Season

November 24, 2018Posted in daily life, JournalTagged life, thanksgiving, turduckenLeave a comment

Even though life has been very busy recently, this season has been very full for me. In a good way.

Last Friday we drove from Nebraska to Indiana for my annual Friendsgiving. Every year we alternate between the Indianapolis area and the Chicago area. This was the 14th annual Turducken. And it was the 10th one in a row that I’ve attended. (I wasn’t able to travel in college to go visit those first four years).

The trip was nice. The boys handled themselves fairly well in the car, a sign that they are indeed getting older and able to manage their emotions a little bit better. Micah was especially well behaved, and the stress that that relieves on a trip is unmeasurable.

We drove to Sarah’s mom’s place. They live out in Eastern Indiana. There are parts that are stressful being out there. And obviously anytime you’re around your parents or in-laws, well, there are differences in life choices and opinions. But overall, I find it fairly relaxing to be out there. The boys love being with their Grammaw and Pappaw, as they call them. And that just makes everything else melt away.

Turducken each year feels a bit different because we have it at a different location nearly every year. This year it was at one of my oldest childhood friend’s parent’s house. My sister came for the first time this year, my brother came with my dad, and my dad stayed until right before we ate. It was good seeing him. I see him maybe once of year these days.

I would talk more about Turducken/friendsgiving this year, but I think it’s mostly boring for anyone else to read. I will say we had about 45 people this year and it was good to see my childhood friends. Worth the drive, for sure.

We drove back on Monday, after stopping quickly for breakfast with Sarah’s dad and step-mom and grandparents at IHOP.

There wasn’t too much time to relax because just three days later we would be hosting our Boys Town thanksgiving, expecting over 50 people. We still had to get most of the food from the store and plan out our schedule to get everything made before people arrived at 2:00pm.

With two turkeys, a ham, and practically limitless sides we were successful. We had rearranged the entire living room to accommodate 50+ people. And that’s about how many we had.

Sarah and our assistant went Christmas shopping on the evening of Thanksgiving at our local outlet mall to hit up all the black Friday deals. They were gone from 6:30pm to 2:00am shopping for our eight girls. They got great deals, and nearly all of our Christmas shopping is now done.

This Christmas season I had decided that I wanted to get a DNA test kit from either Ancestry or 23 and Me. I knew that they had Black Friday deals and I ended up getting the 23 and Me ancestry and health test for half off. I look forward to learning more about myself and my heritage.

Expectations

November 8, 2018November 8, 2018Posted in daily life, JournalTagged anxiety, daily life, diary, expectations, frustration, Journal, life, rituals, routines1 Comment

Sometimes I think my greatest frustrations come from me not living into my own ideal expectations. As I have grown older I think it has only gotten worse over time.

I am someone who loves routines and rituals. Or at least I say I do. I think I do.

Some of my routines are easier to follow than others. If others participate in my rituals and routines, it makes it ten times more likely for me to follow through consistently. If it’s up to just me however, or up to me to initiate, I am good for a little while, or here and there, but I’m just not consistent. And that really bothers me. Like, a lot.

For example, I have the extreme desire to write nearly every day. But I’m the only one motivating myself to do it, so it just doesn’t happen. I love to make coffee every morning using my aeropress or chemex, and if my girls make themselves a pot of coffee, I almost always make myself a nice cup of coffee for myself as well. If they don’t, I often don’t (unless I really need one).

I’m not sure exactly why that is.

—

A few years back when I shot photography using Pentax cameras, there was a great online community of Pentax users who shared a daily photo with each other. We all commented on each other’s photos every day from all around the world. I loved being a part of that group and it really helped me to understand the craft and art of photography. It forced me to be creative, to notice things every single day that were around me. I felt the pressure, but it was a good pressure. I loved the ritual.

I want to do that now that I’ve switched to Fujifilm, but that sort of community doesn’t exist as far as I’ve seen. So here I am wanting to take photos like I used to, at least one each day, challenging myself to notice things around me and capture them in interesting ways, but I just don’t do it without the support of others. And then I get frustrated.

—

But it’s not just those sorts of unnecessary routines that I don’t follow through with, it’s also the ones that I definitely should be doing. Laundry. Cleaning up after the boys. Taking out the trash when it first needs to go out. Organizing the bills and mail and emails and tasks. I’m not as good with that stuff. I also don’t have people encouraging me to do it. My wife is good at almost never nagging me about it, but there are times I wish we were more supportive with each other to get these things done.

I don’t do the necessary routines, I then I get frustrated with myself that there’s laundry all over the floor, or that the boys have their toys scattered all over the room, or that there’s now two bags of trash sitting next to the trash can that I need to go take out to the dumpster.

The other day I was super frustrated about it and I just said in desperation to Sarah, “I’m so sick and tired of living this way!” And I am. But I don’t really know how to overcome it. I could make myself artificial motivators. I could create checklists and chore lists or something like that. But I’m not sure that would even work.

—

I have no real solutions to my problems right now. But my frustration has opened a window into an insight about myself that I’ve been recognizing recently. I plan to write about it soon (but probably won’t because…well…yeah, no other people encouraging me to do so). But I think I’m actually an anxious person and just haven’t seen it until recently. Maybe it’s that I’ve always told myself that I’m not an anxious or stressed out person in comparison to those in my family. But perhaps if I can address this element in myself, then perhaps these other daily tasks and rituals have a better chance at coming more naturally to me and actually happening more consistently.

Who knows? But it’s the path I’m planning on taking for now.

Ok, ok. Enough with the words.

August 4, 2018Posted in daily life, JournalTagged astrophotography, daily life, long exposure, photo, photography, photos, pictures, snapshots, taco rideLeave a comment

I’ve been posting lots of words. Here’s a few recent photos I’ve taken:

A Root Cause for Fickle Emotions

August 4, 2018August 4, 2018Posted in daily life, JournalTagged blog, blogging, daily life, emotions, Journal, kabuki syndrome, kids, life, personal, special needs, stressLeave a comment

I.

I woke up this morning feeling emotional.

II.

I usually sleep very well. Extremely well. But last night I woke up around three times that I can remember. I have a faint feeling like I was having bad dreams. But I cannot remember any of them.

III.

Which made me wonder what is really going on in my brain right now. I know I was fairly feisty and moody yesterday. I chalked it up to being tired from the night before. (I was out late on my weekly Taco Ride bike ride.)

But it’s clearly more than that.

IV.

I brought my mood up with a couple friends and they suggested that it might be that a lot of the emotions from the past couple weeks’ drama in my house is catching up to me. I’ve been on autopilot up until now.

I do think there’s truth in that. But it’s not the root. But I think I can identify the root.

V.

Micah.

VI.

Micah has been on an extremely low carb diet. This in and of itself has added stress to my life. Always having to think ahead about what he will be eating. What he is willing to eat. Limiting his carbs. And his constant nagging of saying that he is hungry.

Micah’s behaviors are a constant drain of energy. I cannot leave him alone for any amount of time. He has to be constantly observed and entertained, or else things get crazy. So just that in and of itself is a constant source of stress for me. But things between him and his brother have seemed to get worse. They are always fighting and bickering. Punching, kicking, throwing things, biting. It’s a battle everyday.

Micah has had lots of ear infections recently. Ones that seemingly never go away. And so, long story short, he is going to get tubes in his ears soon. They will also take out his adenoids. And while they are at it, they are going to clip his tongue tie. All in one surgery. He’ll be under general anesthesia, which is definitely a source of stress. And for me it’s bigger than I anticipated.

I imagine him lying motionless on a surgery table. His little self. And it really bothers me. I don’t really know why it bothers me so much, but that image is deeply disturbing to me.

Micah starts school on August 13th. He’ll be in a regular kindergarten. Riding a regular bus. All day. Every day. I just can’t imagine things going smoothly. I don’t anticipate it at all. Even within the first day he’ll be up and walking around on the bus. No doubt. And he’ll probably get made fun of by the older students. And I, I’m not doing well with that in my mind.

An entire day of school? Seriously? It sounds really great if it works out. I’m so excited for him. But I just can’t imagine it. He can’t stay seated in a chair for more than three seconds. I have no idea how this is going to work.

That’s probably the tip of the iceberg. But I know that.

VII.

Someone in one of the Kabuki Syndrome groups I am in posted that her daughter died. Out of respect I won’t say who or what group, but there’s a part of her post that really was just…I don’t know…so real to me. I can’t help but tear up when I imagine her life at this point.

Last night we lost our sweet ——–. She put up such an amazing fight until the very end. I really don’t know how I will adjust to life without her but my heart is shattered in every way possible. I cannot believe she’s gone, our little girl is gone…. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. What a fucked up life this is… The only thing keeping me sane is knowing that she is no longer suffering. No more pokes, no more pain, no more wires, nor surgery, just rest.

What a post.

Because I do sometimes think, “What a fucked up life this is…”

I don’t mean to be crass. If there is ever a time for using the f-word it is in this context. But man, this world sometimes. The stories. The suffering. The struggle.

VIII.

Life is just too short to be angry. To buy lots of shit. We have to invest in each other. What else is there?

IX.

There are days where I just want to go through all my things and get rid of almost all of it. Cut down my belongings to my computer. camera and lenses. A few sets of clothes and shoes. My watch. My bike.

I sometimes have these nagging feelings to just do that. We have so many toys with so many small parts. The house gets messy every single day because of the kids. It drives me bonkers.

Laundry. Toys. Trash. Mail.

It never ends.

X.

The end.

Sifting and shifting

August 4, 2018Posted in daily life, JournalTagged daily life, diary, emotions, family teaching, foster, hard, Journal, life, love, parenting, personalLeave a comment

I.

My home right now is down to five girls. It feels a bit strange after having eight for most of this year. Two girls have left our home in the last week. And their departures were, well, not truly “successful.”

II.

It makes things complicated.

For one of our girls, she was in our home for maybe 10 months. And it wasn’t truly until the last couple months that things started to go downhill. And that’s really sad to me. There’s such an opportunity to leave well and with a good relationship, a lasting one in which we can stay in contact for years to come. But she did not leave in that way. She left by giving girls marijuana as a goodbye present. And manipulating things behind our backs (even though we knew she wasn’t being honest).

And to me, that’s just taking all the progress and social capital you’ve built and throwing it down the drain.

III.

The other girl who left our house this week left after only being in our home for about three weeks. And she had moved to our home from another because of her behaviors. She had some pretty nasty sneaky behaviors. She only needed a couple credits to graduate, however, and so we worked with her on a plan to be able to take two classes online intensively over the course of two weeks, while she finished up her summer classes, to be able to “graduate.”

Her situation is complex, but we do sincerely hope for the best for her and her family. Her parents are super kind and wonderful people, and I hope that things are able to settle down for them and her.

IV.

That’s one of the hardest aspects of this job. You can pour your life into these girls, and they can accept the help for a while, but they can still crash and burn out of here. Or reject your help at the end just because they are determined about getting out.

V.

It feels like sometimes they just think that we see our role in their lives as a job. But we don’t see it really as a job. We can’t. We see it as a lifestyle. A calling, almost. It’s something we choose to live and be, not just do.

VI.

So right now we are left with our five. And they’re all in trouble because of the weed that our former girl gave them. But this is our crew. I love the five of them dearly. I told them yesterday that I’d fight anyone for them to stay with us and be successful. And it’s true.

I hope they understand this isn’t a job to me. We’ve chosen to live this life because we care about them deeply.

Mo Cheeks in my ideal self

July 26, 2018July 26, 2018Posted in daily life, JournalTagged coaching, ideal self, inspiration, life, mo cheeks, personalLeave a comment

I heard a story recently that I want to share:

It’s 2003. The Portland Trailblazers are losing in playoffs 0-2.

(This story isn’t about sports, but hang with me…)

Before the game, a 13 year old girl name Natalie Gilbert, who had recently won the “Get the Feeling of a Star” promotion, stepped up to sing the national anthem. She’s wearing a nice dress. And she looks pretty nervous. She gives a small smile, gathers her composure, and once the applause quiets down she begins singing.

It starts off pretty well. It sounds like what you might imagine a good 13 year old singer would sound like.

“Oh, say can you see by the dawn’s early light
What so proudly we hailed…”

But then she messed up a few of the words. And she stops.

She gives a short and nervous chuckle as the place grows completely silent for a short moment. Then there’s a few encouraging cheers and yelps. And then cheers of 20,000 fans trying to reassure her.

The girl, still struggling, puts the mic up to her forehead in complete embarrassment. She then looks for her dad in the stands. She looks for some help. Some rescue.

And rescue comes.

A man in a grey suit approaches her and says, “It’s all right, it’s all right. Let’s go, let’s go.”

He walks up to her puts a hand on her back, and another hand on her hands in support, and attempts to jumpstart her singing. He tries to throw out the next words while singing himself. He doesn’t sing well, and he doesn’t even get the words right himself. But it doesn’t matter.

She starts singing again.

And he doesn’t stop. He keeps on standing there with her, singing along in the background, hand on her shoulder. His voice is actually pretty terrible, and she has just a couple hiccups herself as she continues. But by this point, it doesn’t matter at all. The whole stadium is now standing, and 20,000 people join in with Natalie as she sings the rest of the national anthem.

It’s a powerful moment.

The man who rescued her was Mo Cheeks, head coach of the Portland Trailblazers.

That man probably had a million things on his mind about that game before it started. Things he wanted to say and to do to make sure his team didn’t go down 0-3 in the playoffs.

But when he noticed Natalie struggling he instantly walked up to help. He saw the need, made himself vulnerable before a huge room of people, and did an amazing thing for a 13 year old girl.

That room was changed. People were inspired.

The story could have been one of pity and perhaps, sadly these days, one of ridicule – when a 13 year old girl messed up singing the national anthem. But Mo Cheecks stepped in along side of her and saw a much bigger picture at hand. He not only was rooting for this girl’s success, but he did something himself to actually help her to be successful.

Was it the most beautifully that she’s probably ever sang the national anthem? No way. But it was the best that she’s ever sang it because she stuck it through, accepted the help, and kept going. The entire stadium soon was singing too.

Two thoughts:
1. Mo Cheeks is my ideal self in this situation. I try to notice the bigger picture around me and ways to not simply root for people, and especially teenagers, to do well, but to do something about it myself. To metaphorically walk up to the 13 year old girl, show my support by leading by example and by being authentic, shaky voice and all. Because it doesn’t just help one person, it can inspire many others at the same time who happen to be witnessing it. We are always teaching and influencing those around us.

2. A challenge: Who can you notice today that you can step in and help by putting your needs on the back burner for a moment, humbling yourself, and supporting someone in need in a real way. How can you make your ideal self align with your lived out self today?

Here’s a video of it in case you wanted to see it.

One of those days

July 25, 2018Posted in daily lifeTagged daily life, diary, goodbye, Journal, lifeLeave a comment

My attempt to make time to write have been somewhat of a failure recently. Life has been fairly hectic. But I did say that I wanted to write something, even it was only a sentence or two. My goal is simply to write.

One of our girls leaves our home tomorrow at 4:00pm. Our time with her has seen a lot of ups and downs. I would say mostly ups. I really have enjoyed having her in our home since I think last September, maybe early October.

But recently things have been more frantic and chaotic. And she leaves tomorrow afternoon. I feel sad that she’s leaving because I personally do not believe she’s ready or that she’ll be successful once she leaves here. But her situation is now out of our hands. And so tomorrow we say our goodbyes.

Gettin’ the Band Back Together

July 21, 2018Posted in daily life, JournalTagged astro, astrophotography, bicycling, biking, blog, blogger, cycling, daily life, diary, friends, iowa, Journal, life, midwest, milky way, photographer, photography, photos, stars, taco rideLeave a comment

I.

Every Thursday, just across the Missouri River from Omaha, Nebraska there is a gathering of a couple hundred or so bicyclers who ride together on something called Taco Ride. We start in a parking lot in Council Bluffs, Iowa and bike ten miles along a limestone trail until we reach a small little restaurant in Mineola, IA that serves tacos, fried cheese curds, nachos, and pitchers of margaritas.

I go every week with my friend Jeff. I’ve gone I think nine or ten times so far thus summer. The only week we have missed this summer has been the week we were on vacation at lake Okoboji.

It’s my weekly ritual now.

We usually leave from our place around 7:30 and get there around 8:00. It takes about 45 minutes to bike the ten miles down to the restaurant. Along the way we pass all sorts of people. It’s quite the group of people. I love the cycling community.

Oftentimes our friend Drew comes with us, but he hasn’t been able to make it most weeks this year. But he came last night. And usually when he comes, the night is a lot more unpredictable and therefore more fun.

II.

Drew has recently been getting into drone videography and has started to take some photos on his Canon DSLR. So it was fun to have him come on this ride because he took some quick drone footage of us, and then later we took some pictures on the way back.

III.

The moon was about half full it looked like, so it wasn’t really a great night to take photos of the stars. But ever since this past Sunday when I took some shots, I’ve been wanting to take more.

So we took a few on the trail. I didn’t have my tripod. I didn’t really have a good way of setting down my camera for a good angle. But I still captured a few photos.

IV.

About a mile and a half into the ride back I realized that I didn’t have my phone on me and had left it on the trail. So Drew and I went back for it and eventually found it. Thank goodness. But it added a few miles to the trip back.

V.

Here are some of the photos I took yesterday:

Spilling the Bucket

July 18, 2018Posted in daily life, JournalTagged blog, blogger, blogging, daily life, diary, emotions, energy, hope, Journal, life, teenagers1 Comment

I.

Today is one of those hard days because it feels like I’m completely drained of emotional energy. One of our girls is struggling with her behaviors. This morning I confronted her about something and she cussed and yelled at me. She denied everything I was saying about her. Going on and on about all sorts of things.

Now, I was completely prepared for this. None of it was surprising. I probably could have written the script of what she was going to say.

It’s the actual encounter between us as human beings that drains me. On paper it’s nothing. But when you put two humans beings who’ve lived with each other since last September, and she’s talking about how she can’t trust me and how she doesn’t care and she’s cussing at me, yelling, saying I’m setting her up for failure – it does something to me.

II.

Part of this job that makes it vulnerable is that I am constantly rooting for these girls to do well, make good decisions, and build authentic relationships.

So when these girls make poor decisions and show their relationships to be phony and fake, or at best very shallow, it’s disappointing and I’m left with feelings of grief and sadness. I know that’s a constant risk of this job if I’m constantly rooting for them, but there is no other way to do this job. It’s what I signed up for, so these days are guaranteed to happen from time to time.

III.

It’s like our relationship is a big bucket being slowly filled up with experiences and laughter and trust and time. In instances like this today, it feels like she kicked over the bucket and all those experiences, laughter, trust, and time gets spilled out everywhere. And once it has been spilled there’s not really any that can get back into that bucket. You have to just flip that bucket back over and hope to start filling it back up.

IV.

But this girl is potentially leaving as early as next week. And so her behaviors are all over the place. When these kids don’t have a solid plan about their future, their behaviors and attitudes shift and ebb and flow constantly. Very few can handle such uncertainty. And so it is for her. But she thinks she’s for sure getting out of her, and it is very likely. But if she basically thinks she’s getting out of our home no matter what very very soon, what does it matter if she tries getting away with things she knows she isn’t allowed to do? At least in her mind.

V.

So here we are. A tough day. I feel drained. But I stay committed with faith, hope, love, and determination.

So I take a deep breath now. Pushing forward with a peace that comes from a sense of integrity and truth.

Instastellar

July 17, 2018Posted in daily life, JournalTagged astro, astronomy, astrophotography, blog, blogger, blogging, church, churches, daily life, igersomaha, instagram, iowa, lighting, midwest, milky way, omaha, photographer, photography, photos, picture, pictures, sky, space, stars1 Comment

I.

Last night I met up with some fellow instagrammers from here in the Omaha area to take some photos of the stars and the milky way galaxy.

Before yesterday I had never done any astrophotography. But I was very excited to get a chance to do it with others out in a very small town about 45 miles east of the Missouri river in Iowa.

II.

I don’t really have a lot to say other than throughout the evening I got better and better with understanding what made a good quality shot. It’s a balance, and you have to learn your camera.

But here are some of the photos I took last night. Let me know which one is your favorite.