Tag: Journal

Morning thoughts while reading

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I have been reading Fredrick Buechner recently. His writing style is different than almost anyone I’ve read. He never really claims to be certain of anything. And to me that is refreshing. Some probably see that as heretical. But I don’t. I find it freeing.

The way he talks about God, Jesus, and what happens after death feels so just obviously honest. It’s kind of embarassing. It’s like while I read him it’s like I’m thinking, “Really? People can say that? Because that’s how I think a lot of the time. I just never vocalize it.”

I recently read and listened to Rob Bell talk about his office. What is on his wall. What is on his desk. What is his desk. It becomes a sanctuary. It becomes a sacred space. This is similar to how Fredrick Buechner talks about his office and the mementos he has around his office.

I’ve wanted that for probably my entire life. A place that is mine. A place where I go to think and ponder and contemplate and commune.

I want a nice desk. I want a nice reading chair. I want that sacred space.
Perhaps I need that sacred space.

While reading a book this morning I suddenly remembered a dream I had last night. (Which is somewhat of a coincidence because I had just told Sarah this morning that I haven’t been able to remember any of my dreams for weeks, and I think it’s a sign I’ve been quite tired recently.) Through my remembering of it, I also realized that I’ve had this dream in various sorts and in different settings quite a number of times.

What I can remember is not very detailed and not of great length. But I what I can vividly recall is having an opportunity to meet Donald Trump. We are always out in a large crowd. Sometimes I think it is arranged specifically that I meet him. Other times I think I am just one of many in a crowd who are trying to reach out and be seen by him. In all the dreams I do get his attention, if only briefly. But in the few moments where I have his attention I reach out my hand as if I am to shake his, but I pull it away at the last moment on purpose. His attention is then focused on my action. You can kind of see the wheels turning in his head trying to figure out did I just intentionally insult him with that gesture or not. So he tries to say something about being glad to have met me and thanks me for what I do, but I then look him in the eyes and spit on his face. Sometimes on his shoes.

Secret service grabs him and me immediately. I yell some things. I can’t actually remember what they are, but they are angry words talking about how he is a liar and evil for how he treats the poor and the immigrant.

And I wake up.

I remember only pieces of dreams that might be connected to those dreams. Ones where I am asked to speak on all the news outlets. That even though I am sentenced to a short stint in jail, I become somewhat of a hero.

Apparently I have a lot of deep seated feelings about Donald Trump. I never really get to fully express my incredible displeasure with him being our president. Apparently this is how those frustrations get out.

Tips of the Toes

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The only constant in this job is change.

That was what I was told about this job during our two weeks of training. Be ready for anything. I’ve also learned that in this job I have to be ready to not be shocked about anything. The youth do all sorts of stupid and silly things all the time. We usually catch them. Sometimes we don’t though. And if I’m not ready to be surprised, then I’ll be caught off guard and won’t be able to properly respond. In this job we have to stay vigilant. We have to stay flexible. We can’t allow them to put us back on our heels. We can’t be caught flat footed. We have to constantly be doing this job on the tips of our toes.

There’s a million oddities about being a family-teacher, but one of the elements that stands out is just how quickly big life-changing decisions can be made. Sarah and I haven’t had an assistant working with us since April. In May one of our girls graduated from high school here and another girl left the program successfully.

About a month and a half ago we welcomed a new girl into our home. She was with us for about two weeks before she was transferred to another home due to a specific behavioral issue that wouldn’t be good for our home. But the morning the decision was made was no different than any other morning. We got up. Ate breakfast, and before noon we were told she was going to transfer out of our home.

There was nothing special on the calendar yesterday. A few appointments here and there. We were making orange chicken for dinner. Maybe take a trip to the mall. But in the late afternoon we get a call from our consultant that we are going to get a transfer from another home. A few hours later she’s making her bed and putting away her clothes in her room. She went to the mall with Sarah and the others.

It’s amazing to me how quickly things can change. Within a few hours we were told we would be getting a new girl in our home and now she’s here. We are responsible for teaching to her, for feeding her, for keeping her safe, and for helping her in school and with her referral behaviors. Earlier in the day we had eight people as a part of the Seaman family. Now we have nine. Next week we could have ten. What an amazing thing. But it happens so fast it’s hard to even understand or reflect on it all.

Whoever

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Whoever has skin, let them touch.
Whoever has mouths, let them taste.
Whoever has eyes, let them see.
Whoever has nostrils, let them smell.
Whoever has ears, let them hear.

Whoever has skin, let them be touched.
Whoever has mouths, let them speak.
Whoever has eyes, let them be seen.
Whoever has nostrils, let them be savored.
Whoever has ears, let them be heard.

Overlapping Thoughts: Vol. One

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I think I’m going to start using this blog as more of a journal, especially about things related to faith and the beyond the surface moments of life that I notice. It is pretty stream of consciousness, and for myself first and foremost, so please don’t expect it to be excellent writing. 

Continue reading “Overlapping Thoughts: Vol. One” →

Five Senses: sunlight and bottles

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Touch: The shirt I’m wearing air dried soon after being washed. And it’s stiff. I stopped drying my shirts a while back because they kept shrinking and it bothers me to wear shirts that are too small. I was thinking the other day about how I really don’t care about name brands of clothes. I just want stuff that will last and that I personally like. I don’t really care what brand of clothing it is. But when I hang out with other people, they are constantly giving each other compliments on each other’s clothing – whether it’s the 2016 edition of some Under Armour or the 2017. I just like t-shirts and zip-up sweatshirts and jeans. I couldn’t care less about name brands or what year a certain line of sweaters came out. I just don’t want to stand out for being cool or for being not cool. 

Taste: I have the lingering taste of coffee in my mouth. I had a bowl of cereal this morning, but I feel like I want something more. I have been trying to be better about what I’ve been eating, but I’ve been incredibly inconsistent. But as the weather gets warmer and I’m outside more, I realize more and more how much I want to just be in better shape. How I want to lose weight. It’s just going to mean that I watch what I eat for lunch. That’s when I am more likely to eat junk fast food and things.

Sarah is currently going grocery shopping for the week and she was just commenting on how she’s glad that I am not picky about what we eat. And I’m not. I really like the fact that we have teenage girls to help with the prep, the cooking, and cleaning. I pretty much enjoy any meal we have. I try to always remain grateful for the food we eat. I love having such a variety of foods all the time. 

See: The sun is shining. And it’s so nice. Warm sun pouring through the windows. Light and shadows thrown around the dining room and our cactus room brings such peace to me. We’ve slowly been trying to make our apartment into a warm home. We have slowly been getting more and more decorations for the house. House plants, cacti, art. Sarah just got some long bottles and a long wooden box for a centerpiece. Today she’s getting some flowers to put in it. I really like how things have slowly been coming around. 

Smell: I breathe in today a deep breath. I had a full weekend and Monday. My sister and her husband were in town for the weekend. I hung out with them on Sunday evening, eating dinner with them. They came and visited Boys Town for the first time for a few hours. Yesterday was my mom’s birthday, and so we went to visit her at her home for a little bit and then we went out for ice cream and then to the library. 

Hear: Right now the house is quiet with no kids. No TV. No teenagers. Just me. The refrigerator is going, and there’s the click of the coffee maker. I hear some construction trucks outside somewhere on campus. There’s always projects being worked on, which I’m thankful for. I love our campus. 

Emotion: Happy. I’m feeling pretty good today. With the sun shining, getting some alone time, and having prom over with (it was last Friday), things have slowed down just for a moment. 

Five Senses: in the cactus room

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Touch: There’s cool air coming in from the vent above me. I feel it on my skin. It makes me long for spring to finally get here and stay here. We’ve had really dark and gloomy days these past couple weeks, and it makes it so we can’t send the kids outside to play on the playground. It makes our days off harder too because then we’re stuck inside with not much to do. I look forward to feeling the sun on my skin and the cool breeze of the spring air. My favorite kind of weather is a day with lots of warm sunlight, but with a cool steady breeze.

Taste: I’m drinking coffee right now, and it actually tastes pretty good overall. Usually the morning coffee from the coffee maker isn’t very good. But I think it’s very much influenced by what I ate for breakfast and how tired I am. I had some cinnamon toast crunch this morning, which is pretty much the unanimous favorite cereal of the girls, and I think the cinnamon taste left my mouth prepped and ready to go for whatever kind of garbage coffee I might put into my body.

See: Right now I am sitting in the room that has the most light. It has the most life. It is the most welcoming room in our home. In front of three large windows we have a ledge with all sorts of succulents and cacti. I love this room. It brings me peace.

While I say that though I read and saw a video of some horrible atrocities in Syria with people being gassed and killed by their own government. Again. It’s just the worst thing. And I just don’t know how to process it. My brain and heart are too full to know how to even address it. That’s not even to mention trying to figure out how I categorize events like these theologically.

I know that people I respect also struggle to know what to do with events like this too:

Smell: Although I don’t smell anything specific right now, I am reminded that I can take a moment to breathe in a long, slow breath. To stop and reflect. I am sitting in the middle of the United States of America. I’m safe. How greatly has that shaped my perceptions about God, the Bible, and my faith? What would my faith look right now if I were in Syria?

Hear: The house is quiet. Micah is at school. Ezra is in the back with Sarah. I am sitting alone and I am enjoying this time. I hear trucks pass out the window from time to time, but otherwise it is very quiet.

Emotion: Right now I am feeling tender. I am not particularly happy, nor am I particularly sad. I’m sensitive. News stories about Trump, North Korea, Syria, etc. easily sway my mood and my heart right now.

After thinking for a while and looking at resources on suffering and things, I saw this great video about the book of Job.

Five Senses: at the end of the table

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Touch: The air feels cooler than normal in the home. I haven’t had a shower in a couple days. I was too busy yesterday, and by the time I had time last night I just wanted to get into bed. So today I feel kind of gross. I’ll probably take a shower here soon.

Taste: I’ve been up since 5:00 am today because the boys got up and refused to go back to sleep. I didn’t want to put one kid in our room with Sarah while I stayed in. We often will do that to see if we can sneak out a few more minutes of sleep. But Sarah was up late last night, and I didn’t think Micah or Ezra would actually go back to sleep if I put one of them in there with her. Sarah sleeps through practically anything, so that would mean whichever kid I would put in there would start getting into all sorts of things in our bedroom while she slept. So I just tried to convince the kids to go back to sleep, but the refused. So right now I’m tasting my second cup of automatic drip folders coffee. These days I don’t really care how my coffee tastes. Just as long as it isn’t burnt and it has caffeine. I need it a lot more these days.

See: Briefly this morning there was some sunlight that came through the windows. It’s been a pretty dark and gloomy week and a half or so with lots of clouds, rain, cooler temps, and little to no sunlight. I’ve found that multiple days without sunlight makes me feel quite lethargic. I love seeing rays of sunlight poor through the windows and onto the table and on the various plants we have throughout the dining room and our cactus room.

Smell: Ezra was just standing behind me, and clearly he had a dirty diaper. He still isn’t potty trained. And I keep wondering if we’re kind of failing him in that regard. He can go potty when we really prompt him, but then he had a few days where he struggled to go potty and needed help clearing out his system (without going in more detail). Thankfully Sarah took him and changed his diaper for me.

Hear: The TV is on behind me. Ezra was watching it for a little while, and then he left. So there’s just kids television playing behind me filling the home with unnecessary noise. Every once and a while I hear the click of the heater on the coffee maker, reminding me that there’s still more gross coffee should I need a third cup.

Emotion: Frustrated. This morning I lost a lot of sleep. The boys got me flustered and upset. And that’s never a good start to the day. I have a men’s Bible study that I go to once a week on Tuesdays. It’s been cancelled the last couple weeks. Today I was looking forward to going, but one of our girls was getting out of our intervention and assessment home and Sarah needed to attend a meeting for her that lasted the exact time that Bible study occurs. When I miss events like this, I get upset. Another thing that’s frustrated me about today. Hopefully the day will get better.

Shelter

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Last night I went to a homeless shelter with five of my girls. During one of the rounds of serving food (there were four) a boy who looked to be the same age as my own four year old son came in. He had clearly been there before. Most of the staff knew him by name. He waited around until someone got him a high chair. As soon as he sat down, he pulled out a toy car that he had with him and started playing with it while he waited for someone to give him some chicken and some chocolate milk.

The kitchen manager came out and asked the boy, “Where’s your mom tonight? Where’s your sister and brother?”
The little boy shrugged, and just kept playing with his car.

The kitchen manager seemed unsurprised, but still visibly irritated that his mother wasn’t there.

Eventually she came by and had a very small baby and another toddler with her. We served them food, but it definitely hit me deeper than any of the other people we fed that night. I can’t even imagine. Three kids four and younger. Homeless. Relying on a shelter for food. Relying on the charity of others for her and her children to survive.

Giving Space for Shalom

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I believe one of our deepest longings is for peace and rest – for shalom. There’s a lot wrapped up in that – connection, belonging, safety, complete transparency, trust, compassion, and freedom.

One of my many lofty goals when I’m at my best is to help give space for people to experience moments of shalom. I think we constantly battle as human beings accepting who we are, believing we can do better, yet knowing that we are generally doing the best we can at any given moment. This leads to feelings of inadequacy, shame, and anxiety, and therefore unrest within the deepest parts of ourself.

Part of the irony of trying to experience shalom in our lives is that we are constantly struggling, hustling, and trying to earn shalom in our lives. But that’s not how we encounter shalom.

We all long for shalom, but we tend to look for it in the wrong places.

Grace and shalom are found in God. They are embodied in Jesus. They are swirling through this this world as the Spirit of God. They are found in the fingerprint’s of our God on his creation. For some reason we tend to think we have to pursue shalom, when really we only have to receive it. Similar to grace, we often make the hard moments of life harder on ourselves by thinking we need to earn shalom through hard work, or by being doing enough “good” things.

I believe that one of the greatest privileges that we have as image-bearers of God is that we are deemed ambassadors of his kingdom. We get to reflect and bring God’s infinite love, grace, and shalom to others. We are most likely to experience shalom as we we give space for others to experience it.

When we bring shalom into the chaos of this world and into the lives of one another, we are living into our unique role in this world as human beings. No other species has the ability to overcome the way of nature with the way of grace like we do.

In my experience, shalom breaks into our lives when we give space for others to experience peace and rest by being welcoming, honest, compassionate, empathetic, and good listeners. When we pay attention to the lives of those around us — their emotions, their words, the emotions behind their words, their composure, their schedules — in the midst of our violent, narcissistic, and consumer-driven world, we give them the space to recognize they are loved. I believe as we love others as God loves us – with a love that seeks us out and tells us we are valuable and worthy – we are participants with the Holy Spirit in God’s relentless pursuit of his furious love for all people.

This is what we are invited into. We get to tell, through our words, our actions, and our attention, the good news of God’s love to others, letting others experience the freedom and rest that is found in the shalom of the Kingdom of God.

 

Seeing God

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I took a step outside this morning to take my son Micah to the bus and took in a nice long breath of the cool November air. Instantly, I felt God’s surrounding peace and presence in my lungs and body. It was the simple nourishment I needed in that moment.

The last few days I’ve been trying to go over the beatitudes every morning in my mind. I do this to remind myself of what the Kingdom of God looks and feels like. For me to be able to recognize the overlap moments I need to be thoroughly familiar with what the Kingdom of God’s tells are in this world.

I have been particularly focused on the beatitude

“Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.”

I have been trying to pay better attention to the conversations, situations, and predicaments I have found myself in recently and trying to see where God might be at work. But I believe for me to truly understand and see God working, my heart has to be filtered of its impurities. They get in the way of letting me see the fuller picture of what may be going on. Of course God’s grace is constantly at work in and through and around me, but when I stop to pay attention after intentionally assessing my heart the veil often gets pulled back a bit and I can see God at work.

There is depth in every moment.