Category: Journal

Uncorking the bottle

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When life is busy I get to the point that I feel like I have to write or I’ll go insane. I doesn’t even have to be about anything substantial. I just need to put my fingers on the keys and let whatever needs to come out, come out.

So what’s on my mind? Let’s find out together.

Staying afloat

The work Sarah and I do is a like a machine. There’s all sorts of moving parts. All of them need to be monitored and maintained for the machine to continue working properly. It doesn’t take much for the machine to break down.

Sarah has been sick since last Saturday. And over the weekend we were working with a new Family Teaching couple, training and helping them prepare to have a home of their own here in a couple weeks. That takes a lot of extra energy and attention. At the same time I was making sure Sarah is ok, while also making sure our boys aren’t destroying the house.

We have a different assistant working with us than we typically have. Which, it’s super great to have the help. It really is. But at the same time, we are definitely missing our normal assistant and how we just gel with her so well. It’s really a bummer that being an assistant is an entry-level position because we’d love to have her for a very long time. But she’s skilled enough that she won’t last too long with us.

I don’t want to seem like I’m complaining, so please don’t read it that way, but sometimes it feels like I’m juggling ten things at once. Despite the extremely hectic week we’ve had, we’ve stayed afloat. We’ve learned how to kick into this mode when one of us is down for the count. But it’s not sustainable.

Last summer we were without an assistant for the entire summer and I’m not sure how we did it, honestly. It was extremely hard. And this time without Sarah being able to contribute much has reminded me of the worst times of that period of our life at Boys Town.

Lifestyle changes – Micah

Last week we started Micah on a very restricted diet. It’s a modified Atkins diet in which he cannot have more than 10 grams of carbs each day. This is an extremely big shift from his typical diet. It has been suggested and approved by his dietician and nutritionist. There’s some exciting studies being done and about to be done regarding this sort of diet (keto) with mice that have Kabuki syndrome, which is what my oldest son Micah has.

The study of genetics right now is exploding. I wish the world knew just how much information we are getting and learning how to decipher these days in regards to epigenetics and genetics in general. It’s extremely specified studies with all sorts of amazing and promising results.

Micah just had his annual cardiology appointment and his genetic appointment. His artery is looking better. It was too large, but it is closer to the size it should be in one year, which is hopeful for the future.

The geneticist said she’d like to have Ezra tested, too. That he displays enough of the visual components of Kabuki syndrome that it seems very possible he would have it. In the end it would help the entire community to better understand the scope and spectrum of Kabuki syndrome and how it presents in various cases.

If he does have kabuki, then I think we’ll also have Sarah tested because she too has a number of the physical symptoms of the syndrome.

I can’t help but wonder what all this will look like in like 20 years. When they are in their 20s. What all will we know? How standard will these tests be? What will we know about what can change about our genetics?

Lifestyle changes – me

With Micah’s big diet shift, I too have made some changes to my diet. It’s something I’ve wanted to do for a long time, but just never had the motivation or dedication to make the shift. But I have made the shift. I’m committed in a way that I never have been and I’ve been very happy with my mindset and ability to maintain overall. My goal is to lose about 40 lbs. We’ll see how this journey goes. But I’m encouraged by my progress thus far.

My hobbies

Photography.

Photography has been the main one I’ve had over the last few years or so. And I’ve really been trying to keep up with that lately. The culture in our home is finally to the place where the girls want me to take their photo, something I’ve wanted since we moved to Boys Town.

The other night we went on a quick photo walk right around sunset to take some nice portraits of them for putting up on our wall. They were so excited about it. Even the one girl who hates having her picture taken told me that she thinks that the photos turned out really well and that she likes the way she looks in them, which is a huge thing for her to say.

Boosted.

I recently picked up a boosted board. It’s a longboard powered by an electric motor. It was made famous by Casey Niestat on YouTube. It’s been extremely fun for me to ride around on. I use it to get around on campus and also at the various parks and bike paths around Omaha. I hope to use it more and more. I get an intense dopamine kick when I ride my board, and I find myself wanting to ride it all the time. Thankfully I haven’t had a big fall or anything. It can be pretty intense because it goes 22mph. I’ve only gone up to 20mph so far. I eventually will get confident enough to go faster.

Biking.

I’ve been faithful with my weekly bike ride. It’s a ride called Taco Ride. I’ve been every week this summer that I’ve been in town. It’s a bit of a ritual for me now. Bike, get fried cheese curds, maybe some nachos, a couple pitchers of margarita, and then bike back.

I love it. I go with the best friend I have here at Boys Town, and we talk about work and then about life, and a bit more about work once a few drinks have settled in.

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I’ve been enjoying myself thus far this summer for the most part. But it’s hard work. And it definitely makes me look forward to the school year starting up again. This is all the stuff I’m apparently wanting to talk about today. Honestly, this will just help me write a more thought-out post for my amseaman.com blog which has been long neglected by me. So thanks for anyone who followed along with this post. Hope you’re doing well. Blogging seems to be dying away. So I appreciate those who still have hung around.

Forgetting to be happy

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I like the feeling of being happy, but I sometimes forget to be happy.

It’s not hard for me to experience happiness because my life is filled with blessings. But for whatever reason the pull to be grumpy and annoyed is weirdly strong. I say weirdly because being grumpy isn’t fun. There’s nothing fun about it. And sometimes all it takes for me to not be grumpy is to simply remember to be happy.

How can I forget to be happy? Why do I forget to be happy?

Emotions are so fickle. I’ve written and pondered about this before, but they are frustrating things. It’s amazing how quickly I can go from happy to angry and from angry to excited and from excited to sad and so on.

Anxiety is a happiness thief.
I hate that.

I was sitting with a group of friends on vacation the other day. One of my best friends was there with me and as we were sitting around chatting and laughing I was thinking about how much I enjoyed being there in that moment. I felt like I belonged, I wasn’t just trying to fit in.

One of my best friends was in the mix of people there. He’s been working at Boys Town for over 18 years now. As we talked and laughed about stories of the past, people would mention previous couples who had been here.

Someone mentioned, “You were really close with them, weren’t you?” and he said, “Yeah, I was.” And I immediately went from feeling happy to feeling anxious and like I didn’t belong. Was I just another one of the couples that has come into his life, and will leave eventually, and just be someone mentioned for a few seconds as someone that he used to be close with?

I’m not sure what it is exactly about that thought that makes me feel so uneasy and sensitive and anxious. But whatever it was, it caused me to forget to be happy about the moment I was in. I was with my friends, enjoying life, telling stories. And I forgot to be happy.

The next day I found out that Anthony Bourdain committed suicide. I didn’t know a lot about him, but I know enough that I was still shocked by it. Reminded again how powerful the change of emotions are in shaping our behaviors and decisions.

There are moments recently that have made me very happy:

  • An incredible morning boat ride on lake Okoboji in Iowa. The waves were super choppy and at full speed kept hitting them letting tons of water splash us inside of the boat. We did this for nearly two hours. It was so much fun.
  • Simply being one of the adults at a camp made me happy. Throughout my entire childhood I went to camps and gathering in which I was never in charge. But now I’m one of the adults making the decisions, leading groups of teenagers. And sometimes I would simply pause and take in that fact with deep satisfaction. Whether it be in the dinner line, or as kids walked up to me to ask me if I would drive them on a boat. What a life I have!
  • Seeing Ezra play on the beach and keep himself entertained was so much fun for me. To see how joyful and happy he was made me so happy.
  • Being with my wife, Sarah, and having a group of six teenage girls with us that we together call a family.
  • Having three other guys there with me who understand what this job is like, and the challenges and joys that come from it.
  • Riding in the van hearing the girls laugh while dancing to songs on our Okoboji playlist.
  • Seeing an amazing sunset the first night while I rode on my Boosted board.
  • Great food.
  • Seeing one of my girls win “Camper of the Week.”
  • Taking pictures and video of moments with the girls on the trip.

Those are a handful of moments that helped me remember to be happy. To be grateful.

The struggle is to continue to remember to be happy because there are great blessings all around me.

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Moments

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One of our teenagers last night had a blow up. These sorts of situations are always full of combustion, meaning, depth. It’s where the way of nature collides with the way of grace. It’s when the layers of life seem to become more obvious if I choose to notice.

After tossing everything off of the counter and kicking the trashcan across the kitchen and into the cabinets she was desperate for something else to throw in anger. She punched the freezer a few times, the fridge a couple more. And then she noticed the big wooden magnet and took it off the freezer and chucked it onto the floor while screaming at the top of her lungs.

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

There is one word on the wooden magnet:

Shalom.

When she first blew up she ripped up her school card which had her homework assignments listed on it. Later when I asked for her to come talk with me about some of her behaviors she said, “I ain’t gonna be no dummy. I have homework I need to do.” As she sat on her bed she dramatically started getting out her books and folders from her backpack.

“Shit. I don’t know my homework assignments because I tore up my card.”

I didn’t need to say a word for a lesson to be learned.

 

I am not a good parent

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Today I had my third therapy session.

I realized after two therapy sessions that I hadn’t said anything really critical about myself yet. It felt like I was potentially going to therapy to stroke my own ego and to get another person, someone I am telling myself is an objective and learned voice, to tell me I’m a good husband, a good parent, a good employee, a good person.

But I don’t _actually_ want that.

So I told my therapist that.

After meandering for a while, I finally found the voice inside myself that I feel the most insecure about. The voice that says,

“I am not a good parent.”

Cognitively I don’t think I believe this to be true.
But I feel the pressure to never let that be true constantly. 

It has something to do with control. I can identify that. It also has something to do with the weight that I give to the voices around me. I give too much time, energy, and thought to the opinions of people around me, especially to those that are complete strangers.

I often feel my kids are out of my control. And I think deep inside I tell myself that because of that, I am not a good parent. When we are out and about and my kids throw temper tantrums, it feels like every person is telling me this with their glances. At dinner when they refuse to stay in their seats, I feel like I am a failure. I can’t even get them to sit down for more than five minutes at a time. I feel this especially when we have guests over.

So my task these next couple weeks is to pay attention to this voice. Where am I hearing it loudest? Where is it coming from? When and where do I hear it the loudest?

It’s so hard to cognitively know something isn’t true true, but continually try and override the negative tapes in my head that seem to play on repeat in the background.

 

What I’m Into These Days

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Outside of talking to my closest friends, books, podcasts, TV shows, and movies are the tools that help me slow down and process my life. It’s not that they help me escape my life, but rather quite the opposite. They help me work through my own story and narrative with more clarity and insight.

Here are some of the resources that have helped me recently:

  1. The Robcast
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    Hands down the most helpful resource I turn to in my life is Rob Bell’s podcast. Just a few years ago if I would be afraid to say such a thing. The circles that I have come from view him as a heretic and dangerous. I heard so much about Rob Bell when I was in seminary. I made the mistake back then of hearing about Rob Bell rather than hearing from Rob Bell.His podcast is life-giving to me. His attitude and personality are so encouraging to me. His interviews and insights are insightful. His sermons bring clarity to my sometimes fuzzy faith.
    There was a recent documentary that came out about him that I liked called “The Heretic.” It’s on iTunes and Amazon if you want to watch it.
  2. Tell me More
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    This book by Kelly Corrigan was one of the most truly authentic books I’ve ever read. It had an incredible balance of being vulnerable and honest about the messes while also not coming off smug about being vulnerable and authentic. It’s a fine line, and Kelly is incredible at telling her stories of struggle and mishaps in a way that doesn’t come off as “Oh look at how authentic I’m being by telling you this messy element of my life and personality!”
    I found her book incredibly validating and helpful as I’m processing through a number of things myself.
  3. Frederick Buechner
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    Another author whose transparency is life-giving. I’ve read a couple of his books, and am currently reading another. He reflects on his life a lot, but how he handles the events of his life impacting his thoughts about faith and God are extremely honest and helpful. He challenges me to truly be honest about my own faith.
  4. Everything Happens for a Reason (and other lies I’ve loved) 
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    I’m not a fan of empty platitudes. And neither is Kate Bowler, the author of this book I read in one day. A day in which I was extremely stressed and upset about my children destroying my kitchen one morning. It was timely and helpful in my processing of the elements of my life these days, and how I process God’s involvement and goodness.
  5. Lady Bird 
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    I’ve now seen this movie twice. Once in the theater, and once with my wife a few days before the Oscars. Living with teenage girls, this was a fun one to watch, yet it was hard to see how her mom talked with her. It seems very similar to many of the moms of our girls that we work with.
  6. Sci-Fi shows
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    For whatever reason I’ve been really into sci-fi shows and a few movies recently. And there seems to be more and more coming out. I must not be the only one. Sci-fi shows are usually dark, though. It must resonate with the elements in my psyche that maybe can’t deal with the fact that Donald Trump is our president and I don’t really understand the world around me that would continue to defend his behaviors.
  7. Love
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    This show on Netflix is funny and frustrating. But Sarah and I just binged the final season this week. And it’s sad to say goodbye to characters I’ve learned to frustratingly root for. But I love a story which makes you root for people, and Love definitely capitalized on that. The show is now done, and I already miss it.

Losing

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I graduated high school at 120 pounds. I’m pretty sure my forearms had a greater circumference than my upper arms. It took a week for facial hair to show up on my lip after shaving. At the time I felt insecure about my body because people were always commenting on how skinny I was. I tried to play if off by using self-deprecating humor, but at the end of the day I felt very self-conscious about my weight and my “baby face.”

Over time things slowly began to change. I was able to gain some muscle mass in my shoulders and arms over the next couple years. By the time I was a junior I had put on 30 pounds, most of it good healthy weight. Between the summer of my junior and senior year I put on another 15 pounds or so. It felt so sudden, too. I hadn’t changed my eating habits or my diet, but all of a sudden I had a little bit of a belly. And then I went from feeling insecure about being too skinny to feeling like I was getting fat and putting on weight too easily.

The trend continued. Weight was easier to gain, harder to lose. By my first year in grad school I was 175 or so. That next summer I got married and had put on another five pounds. I was active all the time, too, but my body’s metabolism had changed as I got older.

For the last three years or so I’ve hovered right around 200 pounds, a weight I never ever thought I’d be. And although I’m fairly active and I don’t eat a ton of junk food, it feels like I haven’t been able to lose any weight.

But as I’ve been making lots of changes in my life recently, I knew that addressing this part of my life would need to happen as well. I keep telling myself that I want to start losing weight soon, but I never really follow through. It takes a lot of thought, intentionality, planning, and the ability to say no to myself consistently.

I’m not the type of person to try a completely different lifestyle of going to the gym regularly or trying a new fad diet. I know that I can lose weight by making simple and small changes in my daily life. Cut out junky snack foods. Watch my portions. Don’t drink soda and beer very often. Stay active. Get outside. Ride my bike when I can.

If I stay consistent with those simple changes, then I know I can lose weight. I have a goal that if I’m able to get back to about 175-180 lbs, which I think is a fairly healthy place for me to be, I’ll get a nice tattoo. That’s 25 pounds. I think it’s manageable. I’ll take it slow and steady.

But I’ve been establishing good daily routines in my life recently, and this will fit in nicely. I just have to stay motivated and committed.

 

Missy

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I feel like I notice the comfort of my dog the most when I’m feeling emotionally down.

Today as I sat in my office chair I felt lonely. My little dog Missy came walking into my office timidly, scanning my face.

In a subtle, yet sing-songy voice I said, “Hi Missy!”

Immediately she came and sat at my feet.

As soon as I started to say her name with more enthusiasm, with the intent of telling her to jump into my lap, she leaped up into me with overwhelming excitement. It’s like she had been waiting all day for me to call her up into my lap.

And in my moment of aloneness, Missy helped me to feel gratitude more deeply. Because I am thankful for this little animal which/who is constantly a reminder to me of the mystery of life and of science and of our universe.

 

 

 

Remembering the Journeys

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Usually our girls are allowed to sleep in on Saturdays until about 10:30 am. Sometimes however, they get to go home for the weekend or for most of a day to spend time with their families. When this happens, they usually get up before 10:30, which means that I get some rare one on one time with them as they make breakfast and get ready to get picked up for their visit.

These times are special to me because I often get to have very real conversations with them. Yesterday was a prime example of that for me.

As one of my girls was waiting for her mom to come pick her up for the day she told me much of her mom’s story, and therefore much of her own. I can’t provide revealing details publicly, but I can say that her life’s story was full of struggle and perseverance.

I hope one day she is able to publicly tell her story. It’s a powerful one, and she’s a great storyteller.

But her story was a very good reminder of the stories and the journeys these girls carry with them each day. We have high expectations for each one of our girls, as we should, but sometimes it’s good to remember where they’s come from and how they got here.

Finally Friday

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I.

Tomorrow Sarah and I have our weekend off. (We get one weekend off a month.) It’s felt like a very long month, so we are really looking forward to tomorrow. On top of that, my mom is going to watch our boys for the weekend so that Sarah and I can have a nice weekend with each other without having to worry about the boys.

Our best friends here at Boys Town also have the weekend off, so we are going to get together on Saturday evening for a double date night out. This is the first time we’ve been able to do this, so it should be pretty nice!

II.

One of my goals since starting to wake up with the boys and writing is that I’ll also take time to write letters or postcards to friends and family. I am not too bad at writing letters to people. But for whatever reason, I am horrible at making sure I get the letter or postcard into the mail.

So my goal should not simply be writing letters, but making sure to get the letter in the mail within 24 hours. I have a letter a wrote a dear friend of mine who was about to have a baby. It was a letter of encouragement as she prepares for her little one to arrive. And I didn’t get the letter in the mail. Time went by and she had the baby! And I didn’t get the letter in the mail in time.

I’ll still send the old letter, but I need to make sure to write a follow up to her and her family as well.

III.

Today is our citizenship ceremony on campus. It’s the time when the new youth on campus swear in as “citizens of Boys Town.” They talk about behaviors they plan to work on and improve on campus and about what they are like about Boys Town thus far. It’s kind of a neat thing for them because they get provided lunch and after the ceremony they get to go into the gift shop to choose a Boys Town shirt or sweatshirt to be able to wear to various events or activities.

Two of our girls are swearing in today. So they’ll get dressed up and we’ll get dressed up to hear them swear in. After the ceremony they’ll also receive a certificate that we frame and put up next to their rooms in our home.

IV.

Today is the second Friday of lent, which means no meat. Cooking is sometimes a hassle on lenten Fridays, so a number of the girls’ houses get together on Fridays for a potluck. They play games. They all hang out together. It’s a fun time for everyone, and it makes each Friday during lent go very quickly and something for the girls to look forward to rather than being bummed their not eating any meat.

V.

Every Friday I take the girls who had a good week to a late night trip to Taco Bell. That means they had to complete every homework assignment, they couldn’t have had any major behavioral problems at home or at school. This works as a surprisingly good motivator for our girls. In fact, one of our newest girls talks about it constantly as a reason why she wants to have a good week.

During lent it isn’t as much fun because they can’t have any meat, but I like to joke that they could still have anything on the menu because whatever Taco Bell uses isn’t truly meat.

Marathon Days

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Yesterday was a marathon day. Once a month each girl in our home has a team meeting. A team meeting is where we meet with a girl and all her supports – her family, her PO, her GAL, her therapist, our consultant, and any other supports that might be involved in her life.

Yesterday we had five of those meetings.

Also, the girls didn’t have school because of their conferences. So I met with each one of their teachers and talked about their behaviors in class and about their effort and grades.

I met with a lot of teachers.

Micah has been throwing progressively worse and worse tantrums each day when he has to get dressed for school. Yesterday’s was so bad that Sarah didn’t know if she was even going to be able to get him dressed in time to get on the bus. It took me coming home in a rush from the conferences and practically forcing clothes on Micah to be able to get him dressed. And even then he kept saying over and over that he didn’t want to go to school.

He eventually got on the bus and got to school. But it was a struggle and a half.

With the girls home from school we had to feed them lunch and have tasks and work for the girls who were in trouble and had lost their privileges for the day.

That actually takes up a good amount of energy.

We were down a good amount of ingredients for the house, and so Sarah took all the girls as well as our assistant to go to the store. I stayed home with the boys. It takes a while to go shopping for a family of 13 (if you count our assistant).

One fun thing about the day is that my cheap little lens adapter for my Fuji camera came in today. So I can now use my favorite 50mm F1.7 manual lens from my Pentax on my Fuji. Really makes it fun to shoot with my manual lens again.

I went out last night with my friend Jeff after a long day. It is so nice to have a friend to go out with every week to debrief and unwind. It makes me better at my job and it makes  me a better person.